Doc

Redline. North-bound. Admittedly drunk PhD student/ (gay) brown young man. Youthful, bright, friendly, flirty...I learned he's a twin and that his family didn't really accept him (his gayness) at first. They do now. He continually shows his brothers up on the basketball court; now they call him 'Dr.' and think he's a boss =). He told people on the train that he's going to marry me. I said, "...sure, why not, it's 11:30p on a Friday night..." When we got off the train, he apologized for imposing and asked for $3 to take the Metra home instead of cta, because he really needed to lie down or something. I gave him the money and asked him to take care of himself/be safe. He asked to sing me a song. I said sure, of course. He sang me a hymn (he sings in a church choir) about a merciful God. He told me he loved me. I smiled. He then said, "but I love you for a reason"..I said, "oh yea?" and he said, "because you love me."

Teenage Dream-Fuckin' A.

Why can't I just do it? Fucking bloody hell. If god is love and sex is lovely, why can't I have both?! Am I just being an ungreatful bitch? By not being willing to suppress my sexual appetite to "please god"? Y is giving into your id for a while so bad? Is hell even that bad? Idk anymore. From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' and 'Secret Things', I've learned that manipulating people is bad, giving into love is good, and being honest and truthful is good. If people always comment on the love that burns within me, why does my father think I'm so lost? Y does he speak to me as if I'm of the devil? As if I have no love in my heart.. No god. Fuck people telling me who I am. If the way I live isn't really life, then I don't wanna fuckin' live. How can u tell me my life isn't beautiful. That the people in my life aren't beautiful? I'm sick to my stomach thinkin' about this shit. Every time I come home, I'm told my life, that I've worked so hard to have, is in shambles. As if he knew how glorious those 2am walks home were. As if he knew of the love letters. As if he had even the slightest idea how much I inspire those around me to love hard. Please, GTFO. I can't do this anymore. I don't feel at home anymore. I am a stranger here.  As hard as it is for me to say, my home is not here. I am thankful for all they've done for me. But, I am disappointed they don't recognize the joy I've come to have and be. I'm disappointed they don't recognize that that joy stems from things honest, lovely and good. Fuck it. Damn it. Damn it all to hell. Your god is suffocating me! My only covenant is to love. End of story mothafuckas.

9/10 Sermon

Joram was nurturing his big 'BUTs' by relapsing into disbelief and forgetting prior blessings God had bestowed on him.

Joram was so preoccupied with his fears that he didn't realize God had placed him on the 'Crossroads of Salvation' to help Naaman.

Ohm

Lord, let me experience your possibility.

Fruit of the Spirit: PEACE

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Naija O

 It's not fair...why am I so blessed when my people back home (Nigeria) live in shambles?

I guess, I just got lucky.

Fuck Me.

God Bless Nigeria...even though the politicization of 'God' is basically the root of all this mess.

Ha- to the muthafuckin-ram.

Broken popsicle sticks everywhere...

so, my last post was ridiculous. id just like to point out that i realize now i must've been high. i dunno how i got that way...but i swear, i was high lol. but don't get me wrong, i do think it's important for a woman, especially, to familiarize herself with her vagina, if you will,... read:masturbate. and yes, if you'd like to humble yourself and want some friendly advice, obviously i'm here for you. *smile*

I LOVE ISRAEL WRIGHT... for those of you who don't know him, he's a teacher of sorts...my sabbath school teacher, to be precise, but he's so much more than that. He's possibly the most hillarious person i know...lol. I have all the respect in the world for him as he is one of the few people i know who 'calls a spade a spade'. He was the one who made me want to know God more. He inspired me in the sixth grade and still inspires me today. He is hella intelligent and i want to be more like him...in that, i too want to see the world for what it is and learn the best way to navigate its waters. He gets me. He gets people. He makes me feel comfortable ...not just me though, he has a way of getting through to the youth of our church and im certain just about every other person our age he converses with. He takes the generic advice most our parents give us and regurgitates it all (and then some) in such a way that we are actually able to relate. I really could go on forever about Israel. I wish every teenager could meet Israel. He is a life saver...and i mean that quite literally.

I go back to school tomorrow. Normally, id be writing 'FML' right about now...but, im on my new shit. I'm gonna make the best of the next ten or so weeks of school...i owe it to myself really. Who am i to complain about getting a top notch education. Who am i to take that for granted and not do my best. How dare i skip a bijillion classes when people would kill to be half as blessed as i am. ive been dumb and blind. and im sick of it quite frankly...its not just me im hurting too-that's probably the worst part.

IMA TRY TO BE THE BEST TOMI I CAN BE...CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE ETC.

o yea, and i love me.

Yellow M&Ms

After the o so anticipated 4th of July, it's back to the grind...apparently. Didn't do much to celebrate the occasion, but i suppose i appreciate that America is independent and all...i really do. Being Nigerian and all though, the warm apple pie and ice cream is really why i look forward to the holiday...not that we Africans don't care too much for America...believe you me, we're thankful, its just that we don't dig the bbq and noise and fireworks scene too hot...i think.

So, at work this morning (actually im still here...fancy that), an older...well, old, man came in; his name was Jim Ricart...yea, something like that. Anyway, he came up to my receptionist desk and at the sight of my name plack (yes, im that important :) ), he proclaimed, 'that is a weird last name' lol. I was like 'haha, yea...'. He went on to tell me how he had Vietnamese neighbors that he raised, apparently. He said they refer to him as their 'white grandpa'...LOL. He told me about how they're just wonderful kids...and how their all engineers now, or something 'brilliant', he said. He also mentioned his son went to Academy some years ago (well, many years ago...you see, this man was old...like i said). He said he hadn't been on this land in 35 years! DANG. I told him things had probably changed a lot since then, he agreed. He was a sweet lil thang. Anyway, it's people like this that make me smile.

I talked to a lil hispanic lady on the phone earlier too. I say 'lil' because she sounded like she'd be a cute petite lil thang...the type that'd wear her hair back trynna look all professional and stuff, but she'd have tiny lil size 5 shoes or something...that's just what i gathered from her voice, lol. She spoke very little English, apparently. She was so sweet about it too; she was all like 'i don't speak very much English. Do you speak Spanish? Can i speak in Spanish??' ...like she needed my permission or something...understandably though, she had to ask. Even though i can speak Spanish, well at least i could manage to communicate with someone who only spoke Spanish, i spoke to her in English just out of habbit... silly me. Anyway, i said she should go ahead and speak spanish and id try to understand...cuz ive taking several years of it and all. I understood what she said and i told her id direct her to someone to help her. she wanted to get some info on the school because she'd like to enroll her son. I told her , in English :/, id transfer to someone who could be of assistance. I really hope she received adequate help...i really do. For a while i wanted to call her back and ask her, in Espanol lol, if she got the help she needed. i resisted though, i figured the school might be used to dealing with ESL people...i mean, that only makes sense right? that'd be horrible if they couldn't help her because of some sort of language barrier.

I digress, well sorta. I just read an article about this Axel W. bitch who supposedly stabbed this woman 18 times because she sued him for calling her a terrorist in '08 cuz she wore a hijab and all...18 TIMES...REALLY??! ... A Dios Mios!!

I went to church on Saturday...fancy that. I hadn't been in a while, especially while i was away at school and all. I kinda felt like the whole church thing wasn't for me. Not that i don't like hearing the Word or anything like that. But most all the churches i've attended have been too...well, white. I bring in color only because ...well, my church is predominantly white, you see...as in it's like 90% white. the whole conservative church services thing has never really tickled my fancy if you know what i mean... i mean, they are rarely lively enough. I'm not saying white people are characteristically boring or anything like that...obviously, cuz well...that'd be silly, wouldn't it? ANYWAY, We heartlessly...well, seemingly heartlessly...well, maybe that's not the word, but anyway, we not so enthusiastically (there we go) sing a couple hymns ...and idk, i just dont feel it sometimes. I'd have to be really concentrated to get something out of a Worthing Seventh-Day Adventist church. So anyway, this Saturday i went to church. Naturally, we sang a buncho 'God Bless America' type songs...seeing how it was Independence Day and all. The sermon though was about the existence of God. It's kinda what i needed. Pastor Seibold talked of how in the same way people were given the facts about the approaching monster of a storm that hit New Orleans and how some didn't act out of fear or pure ignorance, people neglected to realize the facts that point to the existence of God. Out of fear of being blasphemous, i tend not to voice my questions concerning the existence of God, but id be lying if i said id never questioned. I won't detail too much the basis of my faith, but ive decided God has done too much in my life for me think there is no God. The pastor also talked of how to God, wishing death upon someone is as much a sin as killing someone...for hatred is still in that person's heart. This got me to thinking a lot...i mean, the pastor also said whether or not we follow through with lustful thoughts, lusting after someone is a sin in and of itself...see this is what im unsure of. I mean, isn't it human nature to lust. Granted, i suppose we should resist this force for it can lead to ...well, it distract us from our goals or rather, what should be our goals...?

Hmm, i might come back to that one later...religion is always a tough-ee.

<3