Blanqui

 

"In infinity, eternity performs-imperturbably-the same routines."

"...a noisy humanity infatuated with its own grandeur, believing itself to be the universe and living in its prison as though in some immense realm..."

Teenage Dream-Fuckin' A.

Why can't I just do it? Fucking bloody hell. If god is love and sex is lovely, why can't I have both?! Am I just being an ungreatful bitch? By not being willing to suppress my sexual appetite to "please god"? Y is giving into your id for a while so bad? Is hell even that bad? Idk anymore. From 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' and 'Secret Things', I've learned that manipulating people is bad, giving into love is good, and being honest and truthful is good. If people always comment on the love that burns within me, why does my father think I'm so lost? Y does he speak to me as if I'm of the devil? As if I have no love in my heart.. No god. Fuck people telling me who I am. If the way I live isn't really life, then I don't wanna fuckin' live. How can u tell me my life isn't beautiful. That the people in my life aren't beautiful? I'm sick to my stomach thinkin' about this shit. Every time I come home, I'm told my life, that I've worked so hard to have, is in shambles. As if he knew how glorious those 2am walks home were. As if he knew of the love letters. As if he had even the slightest idea how much I inspire those around me to love hard. Please, GTFO. I can't do this anymore. I don't feel at home anymore. I am a stranger here.  As hard as it is for me to say, my home is not here. I am thankful for all they've done for me. But, I am disappointed they don't recognize the joy I've come to have and be. I'm disappointed they don't recognize that that joy stems from things honest, lovely and good. Fuck it. Damn it. Damn it all to hell. Your god is suffocating me! My only covenant is to love. End of story mothafuckas.

Chi Summers

Just so I remember:

Rainbow Beach Wade-In Memorial--non-violence, community organizing, fierceness= SUCCESS. oh and haters gonna hate. and da popo needs help, like duh. like woa.

Love always. and never forget to be kind. We all bleed red.

Kreayshawn & D-Nasty--nuff said.

Music is in everyone. 

Ohm

Lord, let me experience your possibility.

John Ashberry-- 'THE BEES HYMN'

IGNORANCE OF THE LAW IS NO EXCUSE

We were warned about spiders, and the occasional famine.
We drove downtown to see our neighbors. None of them were home.
We nestled in yards the municipality had created,
reminisced about other, different places—
but were they? Hadn't we known it all before?
In vineyards where the bee's hymn drowns the monotony,
we slept for peace, joining in the great run.
He came up to me.
It was all as it had been,
except for the weight of the present,
that scuttled the pact we had made with heaven.
In truth there was no cause for rejoicing,
nor need to turn around, either.
We were lost just by standing,
listening to the hum of wires overhead.
We mourned that meritocracy which, wildly vibrant,
had kept food on the table and milk in the glass.
In skid-row, slapdash style
we walked back to the original rock crystal he had become,
all concern, all fears for us.
We went down gently
to the bottom-most step. There you can grieve and breathe,
rinse your possessions in the chilly spring.
Only beware the bears and wolves that frequent it
and the shadow that comes when you expect dawn.

Going to miss you

Mom just walked in here like 'you need to get your sleep schedule in check' (well, it was more like a 'uhh, what are you doing??!'). Little does she know I do some of my best thinking at night...thank you very much.

After watching about 1.5 seasons of Mad Men, Don is decidedly NOT my cup o' tea. Just watched the episode in which he finally gets called out for cheating...haha, how awkward. I understand that his perfect little boring wife doesn't make him happy, but the nerve he has to talk to her like he's some saint, Oh it just IRKS me.Were all men in the 60's chauvinist pigs!? Lol, i digress...

9, count 'em, NINE days before I head back to my other side :).

It's been grand.

the weekend from pluto...

it's 11:39 pm...here, in Chicago. recognize.

am I not enough?...i keep asking myself that. the answer is 'no, not all' (btw). and i wish i could convince myself that everything will be okay, but im not so sure of that anymore. I mean, i was never sure, but now I can't even kid myself anymore.

on another note, matisyahu's 'we will walk' makes me happy. and i went to a john mayer concert yesterday. twas grand. except i must've recorded at least an hour of the show (yes, it was that good) only to come home to realize i had my phone on silent during the concert and all my videos are with out sound. fuck. me. aww, but a chubby lil lad proposed to his gf on stage (in front of all 17, 000 of us). twas mighty cute. she must've felt like a million bucks...gawsh.

i went downtown the other day and saw the same passerby. in fact, i saw him about 100 ft away from where i ran into him just a week or two ago. hes not a reg. hobo of that area or anything, so umm. idk, thats like remarkable.

I read something of Simone de Beauvoir's the other day on the development of girls... it read:

In girls the exuberance of life is restrained, their idle vigor turns into nervousness; their too prissy occupations do not use up their superabundant energy; they become bored, and, through boredom and to compensate for their position of inferiority [to boys/men, that is], they give themselves up to gloomy romantic daydreams; they get a taste for the easy escape mechanisms and lose their sense of reality; they yield their emotions with uncontrolled excitement; instead of acting; they talk...Neglected, "misunderstood," they seek consolation in narcissistic fancies...Quite naturally they become coquettish and stagy, these defects becoming more conspicuous at puberty. Their malase shows itself in impatience, tantrums, tears; they enjoy crying--a taste that many women retain in later years--largely because they like to play the part of victims: at once a protest against their hard lot and a way to make themselves more appealing. Little girls sometimes watch themselves cry in a mirror, to double the pleasure.

So, you might be wondering y this is even semi-remarkable....and that's fine.

Love like you've got nothing better to do, 

Tomi 

Naija O

 It's not fair...why am I so blessed when my people back home (Nigeria) live in shambles?

I guess, I just got lucky.

Fuck Me.

God Bless Nigeria...even though the politicization of 'God' is basically the root of all this mess.

Ha- to the muthafuckin-ram.

Good morning, i guess. mrow.

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life. "

Good morning, Sunshine.

"Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established."- Prov. 16:3


"The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom; and before honour is humility."- Prov. 15:33

"A man's heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps."- Prov. 16:9

"The wrath of a king is as messengers of death: but a wise man will pacify it."- Prov. 16:14

"The highway of the upright is to depart from evil: he that keepeth his way preserveth his soul."- Prov. 16:17

"Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud."- Prov.16:19

"The heart of the wise teacheth his mouth, and addeth learning to his lips."- Prov. 16:23

"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city."- Prov. 16:32

Hazelnut Chai

So, remember that one time when i was all 'o look at me, im on my grown shit now'? Yea, well, there's still a lot i need to learn about this world apparently...rather, i need to accept the world for what it is. And by that i don't mean i'll stop inflicting my love on everyone in hopes people will follow suit, i just mean i need to be realistic (what a horrid word lol). I'm thankful though...i'm thankful that i'm surrounded by people who love me back. And, if i've learned anything from this bergamesh (don't worry, i just made that up), it's that i need to be thanking my stars. Everytime i compare my life to those of people who... people who don't live but barely survive, i am truly saddened. While i am aware of my blessings... i feel i don't deserve them...atleast not all of them. Its not fair that i have parents who'd do anything for me when other folks mom'd sell them into prostitution and its not fair that i don't have to visit the grave of possibly the only person i loved and its not fair that my uncle never thought of raping me and its not fair that i dont have to think about where im gonna sleep tonight or what im gonna eat tomorrow and its not fear i have the audacity to starve myself on purpose and its not fair that i can sit here and type on this mac computer and its not fair that im not forced to see the world without eyes and its not fair that i can say 'i love homosexuals' and not be stoned for it and its not fair that i have the heart to love and love hard because it hasnt been torn apart too bad and its not fair that that kid just died and its not fair that the other kid just shot him cuz he needed the money in the other kids pocket to feed himself and its not fuckin fair that a country that was already the second poorest country in the western hemisphere is now fucked out of their mind and its not fair that some people are too fucking ignorant to realize haitis been fucked for a while now and we the people supply the lube and its not fair that i will wake up tomorrow morning because its already written that i will and its not fair that i cant just travel the world and show people its all a lie and they need only to love cuz thats all that matters. rather, its not fair people wont listen to me.

I am Sasha Fierce, Bitch.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."

Excerpt from my journal post:

Anywho, I'm on my new shit if I haven't mentioned so yet. I always talk and thnk of how much i want to get close to people and reach out to them and learn something from them and in return, give them my love, attention etc. Well, I've started to do that- slowly but surely. Life is more exciting this way. Meeting people like Grande (real cool brotha I met today in Hallowed Grounds...we talked, we walked, we laughed and everything in between), who I'm gonna smoke with sometime and have him teach me chess...or like this morning, for instance: I said a 'hi there 'n' hello' to a man who works in the caf and we then had a nice lil convo. Before i departed (i had to go eat my oatmeal and brown sugar), I asked him his name, to which he replied, "O, my name is ___...but most of my friends call me 'Booskie Love'. !!! lol

Anyway, be blessed. Make love.

Keeping me grounded...

"But wisdom is justified of her children" -Matt.11:19

"Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city of house divided against itself shall not stand"- Matt.12:25

"...how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh"- Matt.12:34

Word o' De Day

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth: and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" - Matt.7:7-11

Taking this to be the truth, what are we,Christians, to make of those who ask and ask but still suffer? Even some who whole-heartedly love Jesus starve to death...Is it that those who are deserving will eventually reap a greater reward than food?-Heaven...For man does not live by bread alone? or something...So, God answers those who ask but doesn't necessarily give them what they asked for...but rewards them with something perhaps more suitable?

"Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." - Matt.7:14

"Therefor whosever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which is built his house upon a rock"-Matt.7:24

Word

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matt.6:33

I <3 TITS

I'm eating granola and raisin bran right now, fyi.

Sosc seems promising this quarter. I'm excited to delve into Durkheim and Foucault.

Regina Spektor makes me want to love somebody. love them and be in love with them. and buy a silverbullet trailer and have a baby boy with them. That woman has never made poverty and teenage pregnancy seem so appealing :D.

OMG, USPS JUST INFORMED ME 'REMARKABLE THINGS' IS ON ITS WAY!!!! love love looove that book.

I worked out this morning and now my body aches. It's a great feeling :)

Broken popsicle sticks everywhere...

so, my last post was ridiculous. id just like to point out that i realize now i must've been high. i dunno how i got that way...but i swear, i was high lol. but don't get me wrong, i do think it's important for a woman, especially, to familiarize herself with her vagina, if you will,... read:masturbate. and yes, if you'd like to humble yourself and want some friendly advice, obviously i'm here for you. *smile*

I LOVE ISRAEL WRIGHT... for those of you who don't know him, he's a teacher of sorts...my sabbath school teacher, to be precise, but he's so much more than that. He's possibly the most hillarious person i know...lol. I have all the respect in the world for him as he is one of the few people i know who 'calls a spade a spade'. He was the one who made me want to know God more. He inspired me in the sixth grade and still inspires me today. He is hella intelligent and i want to be more like him...in that, i too want to see the world for what it is and learn the best way to navigate its waters. He gets me. He gets people. He makes me feel comfortable ...not just me though, he has a way of getting through to the youth of our church and im certain just about every other person our age he converses with. He takes the generic advice most our parents give us and regurgitates it all (and then some) in such a way that we are actually able to relate. I really could go on forever about Israel. I wish every teenager could meet Israel. He is a life saver...and i mean that quite literally.

I go back to school tomorrow. Normally, id be writing 'FML' right about now...but, im on my new shit. I'm gonna make the best of the next ten or so weeks of school...i owe it to myself really. Who am i to complain about getting a top notch education. Who am i to take that for granted and not do my best. How dare i skip a bijillion classes when people would kill to be half as blessed as i am. ive been dumb and blind. and im sick of it quite frankly...its not just me im hurting too-that's probably the worst part.

IMA TRY TO BE THE BEST TOMI I CAN BE...CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE ETC.

o yea, and i love me.

Some where over the rainbow...

Just in case you were wondering, i bought a candle today. Hold up- i bought TWO candles today!! Hip Hip____!

I've gone from being really fucking sad to being almost too hopeful all in the past twenty four hours. P.S. i didn't use numbers to write twenty four because i am in the dark and i have not mastered the art of stretching my fingers above the 'QWERTY' row. so sue me.

I know i have problems. The first step is admitting...isn't it? Firstly, i simply need to be more proactive in all aspects of my life...except maybe my love life ;) lol. To spell it out: I need not complain when things go wrong if i leave things undone...or don't do anything at all. I'm a loser... this is no time to be so negative, but i would just like to point out i that i really need to WAKE THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING DUMB.

I've come to not be a fan of New Year Resolutions, but seeing how i'm not the best non-conformist... i would very much like to make it to the end of next year feeling genuinely accomplished. That has yet to happen...for as long as i can remember at least. I mean, sure, I'm blessed, but i feel i've just been real lucky. As Tolu so kindly likes to point out- I've always been sub par...and it truly does make me sad. Problem is: even when i try to be something more, my efforts are too often in vain. Granted, reading like a monk for a week straight doesn't make up for weeks of not staying on top of things.

Also, i need somebody to love. Call me dependent, but that's how i feel lol.

Good Night World

Signed,

Sista in dire need of another miracle.

P.S. they make louis vuitton trash bags. fml. haha.

Fuck

I am stressed. 

I don't like feeling like this every Sunday night when i've realized there is still so much to be done.

I don't want to be here.

I need to stop complaining.

I need to suck it up...'be a man' they'd say.

I just want to read leisurely...or sleep and dream.

Things to do: Ochem reading, Ochem Pset, Ochem Lab Report, Ochem PreLab, Bio Lab Report...erm, the list goes on. 

Why i didn't get some of this done on the weekend is beyond me. I tried, i did. 

Well, I'm gonna go try and be productive...think happy thoughts perhaps. 

no longer a fresh wo(man)...

ahhh! i thought i was alone but someone's walking up the stairs!!!! merr.

i need to get my life out of disarray...bee tee dubs. 

Went to Old Town today with the dam fam (aka DM)...twas cool. we ate at flat top grill, which wasn't as good as i remember but the bread was mmm so good. 

i thought about sex today.